Providing long distance care for the elderly brings many conflicting emotions. You know you are doing something good for a loved one, and simultaneously feel guilty because you live so far away.
That is normal. Unless you are willing to move closer to your loved one thus enabling in home care, it is helpful to know how to overcome the six most common emotional impacts of long-distance caring.
Overcoming the Emotional Impact of Long-Distance Caring
Learn to provide the best aged care for your loved one and cope with the stress caused by distance with these strategies. We’ve broken them down based on the feelings you’re probably experiencing:
1. Sadness that your loved one’s illness is worsening, and you can’t be there.
This is one of the toughest situations for long-distance carers. Find ways to be there virtually or figure out if it is feasible for you to provide care in the home occasionally. Try the following:
- Have a standing call with your parent weekly or daily to check in and see how they are doing as they are ageing in place.
- Ask friends and family who live nearby to visit your loved one, a form of care in the home, and give you an assessment of their condition
- Travel over a weekend to see them for yourself
- Talk to your employer in advance about taking a day off each quarter to check in on the well-being of your loved one and be present to provide care in the home.
If your instincts are telling you that your loved one is getting worse, pay attention to them. If you or a trusted friend or family member can’t visit your loved one, find a responsible, certified home care agency to conduct a home assessment. You need to know the health status of your loved one, if they are eating, and if they are taking their medications regularly. You can make a list of medical, emotional and physical issues that you want to have assessed as well as things in the home environment that you want to be checked like food, cleanliness and fall hazards – all of these things can be assessed and supported by an in home care agency.
2. The realisation that you are the only one willing to be a carer
This can be a rude awakening if you live a distance from your loved one and realise that you are the only one willing to bear caring responsibilities. The best way to respond is with structure. Set up a family meeting immediately and keep the following in mind:
- Don’t wait for an emergency
- Include your senior loved one in the meeting if he or she is able to participate
- Ask what types of home care assistance would help the most and use this as the basis for a care plan
Once you have identified the in home care needs, delegate specific responsibilities and schedules for things like taking your loved one to the grocery store, to the doctor, delivering or cooking meals and doing the laundry. Although one primary carer will need to serve as a connection to doctors and other providers, the family care team can share the overall responsibilities to support your loved one ageing in place.
It may also help to adjust the schedule regularly. It’s not easy and not all family members will pull their weight, but it is a good place to start.
3. Not feeling ready for the reversal of adult/child roles.
Everyone has limits. It is important to realise this and recognise that no one is fully ready for the reversal of child/parent roles that can happen in care for the elderly. Know that grieving the situation is important and that it is going to take time to come to terms with it.
Here are some things that you can say to yourself to reinforce that you are doing the very best you can as a long-distance carer:
- I’m not perfect, and that’s okay
- I can’t control everything
- Sometimes, I just need to do what works for right now
- I will enjoy the moments when we can be together in peace
- I will try to get help from a counsellor if caring becomes too much for me
4. Feelings of guilt start creeping up.
It’s normal to feel guilty for being far away and unable to offer in home care, but you can still be a great carer from a distance. Try these strategies to overcome any guilt:
- Make simple communication changes. The more you increase your connection to your loved one, the less guilty you may feel. You can do this by:
- Calling more
- Visiting more if you can
- Sending cards and letters
- Skyping or Facetiming
- Sending quick texts throughout the day if they use a mobile phone
- Accept your limitations. Realistically, you may not be able to change the fact that you are not the provider of in home care services yourself. However, if you accept that fact as the reality of the situation and then acknowledge your strengths as a carer, you may begin to feel better. When you make your own expectations concrete and find a way to meet them, it can help to reduce the guilt you feel.
- List the things that you can do and the things that you cannot do
- Find help and the right in home health care support services to provide the things that you cannot
- Recognise your feelings. If you feel guilty, don’t try to sweep it under the carpet. Realise that there are very real reasons why you feel guilty and then work to adjust the situation, so you feel less so. Extend your caring efforts by trying the following:
- Get advice from a home care agency and other aged care services.
- Hiring an in home care professional
- Installing remote monitoring technology in your loved one’s home
5. Doubting your caring abilities.
It is common for long-distance carers to doubt their abilities when you can’t be present to provide care in the home. They may sound frail when you talk to them, making you doubt that you are doing the right thing by living at a distance. However, you can replace that doubt with information by doing the following:
- Research caring and the resources for long-distance carers in your area
- Research government subsidies and programmes to get a better understanding of what you and your elderly parent is entitled to when it comes to aged care services and in home care options.
- Research the specific disease your loved one is diagnosed with, so you know what to expect
- Find community services for your loved one and support groups for yourself
- Call your loved one’s doctor if you have concerns
6. Resentment is building.
For carers, whether they are remote, or able to provide in home care, resentment is the elephant in the room. Many feel it but few will talk about it. Eventually, after months and years of caring, pushing personal time aside and struggling to juggle personal, work and home life, many carers are deeply resentful toward their loved ones.
It is easy to ask, “Why me?” after years of exhaustive attention to caring responsibilities. If you are resentful toward your loved one, it is important to know that it is a very common feeling for carers. You are not a bad person because resentment has welled up.
However, it is important to resolve resentment because it can be a destructive emotion. It can interfere with caring duties and lead to apathy that may cause you to ignore important caring responsibilities. Try the following:
- Talk about it. Talk to a trusted friend, mentor or advisor.
- Vent in a journal. As you write about the stress of caring and the resentment you feel, it may begin to release, and you may feel better.
- Seek the support and help of a counsellor. Resentment can quickly turn to anger so make sure to find a way to work through it and resolve it.
Successful Long-Distance Caring
If you are a long-distance carer, you are providing a very important service to your loved one as they are ageing in place. It’s important to keep brain health in mind and to learn how carers can sustain their emotional health.
The time that you spend caring for them and worrying about them can’t be calculated in dollars and cents. When you feel these emotions welling up, remind yourself of the good things you are doing to care for a loved one, despite not being their nurse at home, and practice being patient and kind to yourself.
Finding a good home care agency can help you overcome the emotional impacts of long-distance caring. Trained in home care workers like ours at Home Care Assistance can be there when you can’t be. They can also conduct a home assessment and give you a detailed description of the health and well-being of your loved one as they are ageing in place.
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